Another Butch Day

Yes Virginia, there is a “Oldman and Gobin.” Not much is known about the pair except they spend their time in the Oldcave up in the “Great North Woods” just south of the Canadian border. They spend their time in the Oldcave, scanning the skies for the Oldsign, the silhouette of a Depends in a circle of light in the northern sky. That is the sign that someone is in trouble and they are needed in Gorham city. Quick as a hic-cup they jump into the Oldmobile, a model T Ford, and race to the rescue of the person or people in distress. Of course Oldman and Gobin are not their real names, as you could guess it is of the utmost importance that their true identities be kept secret. That is the safest way for them to keep doing good things, and to keep the evil doers in check. So when you find yourself in harms way, and the air gets heavy with the scent of Fixodent and Stridex pads you will know that Oldman and Gobin are coming to your rescue. I can tell you that Oldman it is said is really laze. As for Gobin I can only say that he thinks he looks great in his tights and spends a lot of his free time at Michael Jackson’s ranch.
I understand that they have a silver mine that they work just over the Canadian border.
This is where they get the silver for the silver bullets they use. Oh Hell! I seem to be getting my stories mixed up that would be the Oldranger and Pontoe. We will save them for another day. Now it is time for me to get on with my typical Butch day. By that I mean, I will make bad decisions, spend more then I have and eat more then I should. GOD DAMN! Could life be any better then this, I think not. This is me saying goodbye to you till whenever.

more ailments

It seems I suffer from yet another old folks ailment, shrinkage. I always thought that the idea of people shrinking as they got older was a load of crap. Not so, a few weeks ago a friend of mine went for his yearly physical and was told by his doctor that he had shrunk two and a half inches since his last visit. According to his vet this is not uncommon for someone with a history of back problems. Now curiosity got the best of me and I had to check my own height, and to my surprise I’m no longer at five foot seven and one half inches tall. I have shrunk down to an even five foot six inches tall, for those who have trouble with their math this is a net loss of one and one half inches over the last few years. This really does suck because I though I would spend my golden years relaxing in my lazy boy chair not sitting in a high chair. I have come to the conclusion that I am losing all the height in the trunk part of the body, because my pants and shirts tell me that my arms and legs are the same size now as they have been for my entire adult life. If this shrinkage continues, and it will, I can look forward to getting up one morning to find that my knuckles drag on the floor when I walk. So anyone that wants proof that man came from monkeys this should do it. This is not the worst, the worst of it is the day will come when I will be just a bellybutton with arms, legs and a head. Someone help me, I’ve shrunken and I can’t grow up.
Holly bellybutton! Oldman, what about something from the, it could be worse department?
No! Not this time Goben, for nothing could be worse then being a walking, talking bellybutton wearing Depends. Now I need to quickly take enough prescribed meds to get that vision out of my head.
This is me saying goodbye to you till whenever.

New Girfriend

Yes I have a new girlfriend in fact I have two of them, so now I can cheat life is just to good.
Yes I paid for them, I did not! I repeat I did not steal that inflatable girl over in Milan Italy.
This is me saying goodbye to you, till whenever.

layz1 the inventor

Because I have nothing to write about at this time I am requesting that you accompany me once again in Professor Peabody's wayback machine so I can take you back in time, back to the seventies. Before we can go we need to suck it in and make room for Sherman, Prof. Peabody won't go anywhere without him. OK Sherman is in, Professor Peabody press the button. Swish quicker then a hic cup we are back in the seventies, you can hear KC and the Sunshine Band singing "that's the way I like it on the local jukebox. Now were back in my time, back when I spent most of my weekends just about a drink and a half away from being in an alcohol induced coma. It was on one of those weekends that I got even a little closer to that coma I mentioned, maybe only a half a drink from it. [Gotta love the good old days.] I would have had that half a drink too but it was closing time so it was time to stager home. At home is when the excitement would start. For all the people who have said that I am a perfect asshole I have some news for you, I'm not! I have a hemorrhoid problem. It was that hemorrhoid problem that caused the excitement on this night. Drunk or not I knew that I needed to tend to my problem or I would be up after a few hours sleep with that ungodly burning and itching those hemorrhoids can cause. So before going to bed I went into the bathroom opened the medicine cabinet and took out the Preparation H and applied it to the proper place, however when I went to put it back in the cabinet I noticed that it was not the Preparation H but Ben Gay that I had used. Superman could not have wiped that stuff off quicker but alas I was not quick enough to stop the fire like burning, and that my friends is how I invented break dancing.
Now from the "it could have been worse" department, at least I didn't mistake the Preparation H for my toothpaste. OK professor you can take us back to 2005 now.<<<<<<< Come on lets go, to hell with Sherman,Peabody I have things to do!
Swish. This is me saying goodbye to you till whenever.

Girlfriend

Now that the holidays are over I will share the bad news that I received just before Christmas. I have kept this to myself because I didn't want to ruin the holidays for anyone else. My live in girlfriend has been losing weight and starting to look pretty sick so I took her to the doctors for what I thought was just another slow leak. We were both surprised when the plastic surgeon said that she was terminal.
She has a rare disease called porouscy, it causes the skin to get very porous and the body can no longer hold air. At least it is not contagious like Aids. Now that would be the definition of irony, if I had to use a condom on a rubber woman. The plastic surgeon thought that she might get me through, I mean make it through the winter. But when I got up on New Years day she looked like she needed a big hug so I grabbed her around her now very small waist and gave her a big squeeze and poof she was gone. I guess I don't know my own strength. Now don't feel bad for me I have moved on, but you can see now why I was upset when Santa didn't bring me what I asked for. I knew I would soon be in need of a new girlfriend, now I have to go to the Girlfriend store in Canada and pick up a new one. However this time I think I will pick up two of them. Even and old man like me knows that a relationship is a lot more fun if you can cheat.
So this is me saying goodbye to you till whenever